Bizarre Headlines

All Eyes Turn To Blaring Fire Engine

Purchasing A Home: What You Need To Know About Plate Tectonics

Rick Springfield Still Dwelling On Jessie’s Girl

Blue Ribbon Campaigns: Has America Become Desensitized?

What The Hell Do You Mean “I Took Out The Entire Corporate Ethernet?”

Area Suit Still In The Dark About B-2-B Software

North Face Jackets Now Mandatory For Undergraduate Admissions

Local Man Still Worrying About The Money He Owes Bruce Lee

Crowd Gathers Around To Catch Glimpse Of Crowd Gathering

Housewife Doesn’t See What’s So Great About Strippers Anyway

Bus Aerodynamics: A Forgotten Art?

Meteorologists Forecast Rainfall Over The Eurythmics

Attorney’s Mercedes In Permanent Collection Of Firm Parking Lot

Police Lieutenant Threatened With Traffic Duty

NATO Soccer Team Thought To Be Unstoppable

Area Raver Expresses Individuality With Day-Glow Bracelets, White Visor

Banning Rave Parties The Key To America’s Future Prosperity

Nike Unveils New Line Of Extreme Fetish Gear

Roxanne Hasn’t Had To Turn On The Red Light Since ‘78

Flat Panel 10″ LCD TV Purchased For $700

I Sure Wish My Scanner Software Could ‘Suggest Crop’ For Me

Safety Dance Properly Demonstrated At OSHA Convention

Area Man Totally Out Of Control When It Comes To His Computer

Fiberglas Clydesdale Fails To Lure Additional Customers

What The Hell Ever Happened To E.F. Hutton?

Road Construction: Is It Really Necessary?

Twix Bars: Evidently In The Mix

Internet Chat Room Really Brings Out The Tiger In Area Housewife

College Student/Actress Still Waiting For Her Big Break

Have You Guys Seen My Lump Of Potash?

PJ Harvey Held Fully Responsible For Ugly Sunglasses Trend

Man Really Pissed Honda Prelude Not Included On Gran Turismo 3

Vending Machine Errs In Favor Of Consumer

Boy Vows To Use His Laser Pointer Only For Good Not Evil

Kids These Days Have No Respect For Oncoming Traffic

Man Wakes Up From Nightmare Of Wearing No Pants To High School

These 1.5 Ghz Processors Really Aren’t What They Used To Be

Need Holiday Gift Ideas? Try Sea Monkeys

Machine Shop Goes 37 Days Without An Accident

Löwenbräu Scheduled To Add Another Umlaut To Name

12-Year-Old Nerd Watches Entire Episode Of America’s Castles

Part-Time Security Officer Duped

Man Not Thrilled About Date’s Strict Chaperone

Brett Favre Given Private Parking Space At Packer Sports Complex

Health Tip: Administering Terbinafine and Itraconzaole In Treating Scytalidium dimidatum

DJ Battle Turns Ugly

Area Youth Finds Solace In Pot, Slipknot

Today’s Contraceptives: Are They Powerful Enough To Prevent Your Family?

John Madden Incorrectly Refers To Turkey Ingredient As Tryptosporidium

How To Score The New Antifungal Drugs: Ketoconazole, Amphotericin B, 5-flurocytosine, And Fluconazole

Nike Seen Entering Lucrative Conterfeit Nike Product Market In Q4

Local Radio Station Adds Unprecedented 17th Song To Stringent Playlist

I’m Torn Between Which Militia To Join

Soft Batch Cookies Recalled For Failing To Meet Exacting Chewability Requirements

Choosing The Right Luxury Sedan For Your Sweet Sixteenth

Census Employee Arrives At Naked Man’s Door Unannounced

Dept. Of Justice Blocks Village Bar-Steve’s Tavern Merger

AOL Users Demand More Blinking Lights

Seventeen Magazine Reiterates Coverage Of Britney Spears At Attractive

Area Man Finds An Alternative Cure For Penile Erectile Disfunction

Congress Having A Tough Time Finding Fun Stuff To Illegalize

New Sinus Drug A Miracle Of Modern Medicine
(except for possible side effects, which include: nosebleeds, viral infections, fever, sore throat, and other more serious complications)

Angry Boss Man Demands Donuts

99.995% Of Married Cybersex Participants Aren’t Having It With Their Spouses

Disciplinarian Severely Punished

Everyone’s Wearing Camouflage

10,000 Freshman Alcoholic Candidates Arrive On College Campus

Great Lubricity Committed

Futon Industry Accused Of Targeting Underage Students

Versace: Why Is This Shit So Expensive?

Wal-Mart Chrome-Plated Hubcaps Make Car Look At Least $29.99 Better

Area Man Demands Real-Time Quotes

Pat Benatar Sinks Lover’s Battleship

No One Acknowledges Man Pleading For Help In Internet Chat Room

Corporate Gold Watch Not Likely Enough For Retiree To Live On

Neighborhood Watch Program Turning Into Quite A Social Affair

Area Man Pays 76% Over Retail Value For Product On eBay

Area Man Claims To Have Over 300 Björk Desktop Patterns

Milwaukee’s Navy: Proudly Protecting Our Great Lakes

Area Man Concludes Attractive Woman Probably Isn’t Worth The Additional Effort

Critics Calling International Paper Co. Analyst Meeting ‘Rather Dry’

EA Sports Releases Quasi-Realistic Curling Game For PS2 In Time For The Holidays

Nader-Not For Sale Bumper Sticker Now 90% Off!

I Think This Toothpick Could Be A Little More Minty

I Wish I Wouldn’t Have Just Soaked My Clean Shirt With Orbital Fluid

Survey Reveals Majority Of Americans Vicariously Live Through People Magazine’s Most Beautiful People

New Smokey BBQ Doritos Have 100% USRDA Of Disodium Inosinate

Area Stoners Accidentally Go To Empty Bowls Fundraiser

Elderly Gentleman Just Wants To Watch

New Study Dispels DNA Myth

35-Year-Old Virgin Purchases 12 Pack Of Condoms

Greenspan Vows To Destroy U.S. Economy Before Leaving Office

America’s Funniest Home Videos Renamed Nut-Racking Suckas

New Bus Route Promises Mass Transit To All

Trendy Retro Flip-Flops No More Comfortable Than They Were 15 Years Ago

Alcoholic Husband Promises “It Won’t Happen Again”

The Fed To Draw Straws Over Interest Rate Hikes

Industry Insiders Scuff At McDonald’s Goal Of 115 Billion Served

Area Rumbles Declining

How To Talk To Your Children About Tax Evasion

Crocodile Hunter Killed By Angry Samoans

Neo-Hippie Man Goes Out West

College Sophomore Prefers Reading Newspaper, Drinking To Studying, Going To Class

Maxim Magazine Downgrades Abercrombie & Fitch Shirts To Accumulate

Voyeurdorm.com Offers Creepy-Stalker Types Legitimate Targets

Reading: Is It Really Fundamental?

Apple’s New Line Of iMacs 30% More Transparent

32-Year-Old PhD Candidate Struggling Daily To Keep Shampoo Out Of Eyes

Send In The Clowns Drum ‘N’ Bass Mix Proves Totally Ineffective On Dance Floor

These Bathtub Amphetamines Are Not As Nearly As Zesty As The Ones I was Served Last Week

TV Anchorman Has The Night Off

Physicians Now Referring To Amazon.com For Patient Personal Information

Cosmetic Surgery: Will It Get You A Date Saturday Night?

Hawaii Secedes From US-Is Immediately Taken Over By The Netherlands

NBC Still Looking For The Next Seinfeld

Giving: Is It Really Better Than Receiving?

ABC’s New Police Drama Series Promises To Break New Ground

David Lee Roth Still Wondering ‘Where Have All The Good Times Gone?’

New WünderGoggles Detile Censored Tits On E! Television

Marriage: Is It For Suckers?

Bovine Spongiforn Encephalopathy: Could Your Cattle Be At Risk?

Dennis Rodman’s Bad Boy Image Tarnished By Good Deed

This page is a clearly a miserable attempt at satire, there is not one grain of truth to any of this nonsense.